Realization

i was looking at myself in the mirror today after my shower, and i realized that i like the way i look. i’m not crazy about my body, but i have moved significantly closer to being at peace with it.

it is a good feeling

confused

i’m rather confused at the moment.

i’m depressed, it’s been coming on for a while, i could feel it. i ignored it thinking that it wasn’t that big of a deal and that i could handle it. it caught up to me last night and is eating me alive today.

needless to say, i am not happy about this fact. i keep thinking that i’ve finally found a solution to this stupid problem and it keeps knocking me on my ass. i don’t know what to do.

the thing that really bothers me though, is that for most of my life, i thought that the one thing that could really help me get through the depression would be a significant other. i didn’t think i’d find some prince charming who would help me fight off all my demons and save me (although there is that childhood hope still in the back of my mind), but i thought the knowledge that someone genuinely cared for me despite having no obligation to would help give me some sense of worth. it hasn’t.

i also feel like i can’t talk to him about it. i don’t tell people that i’m depressed unless i’ve known them for a long time, usually a year is the minimum, but i’ve been spending so much time with him and he can already tell that something is up. i’ve just been telling him that i’m tired, but i feel this need to tell him the truth, and i’m fighting it tooth and nail. i don’t want to freak him out, and i certainly don’t want him treating me like i’m some fragile piece of glass (which has happened with multiple other people).

in other news, i’m dropping calculus, which brings my credit total for this semester down to six. i’m freaking out a bit

Relationship

i have one.

yes, for the first time in my life, i have an actual relationship with a member of the opposite sex. i’m not quite sure how to feel about it.

he’s no prince charming, that’s for sure. in fact, he’s a rather large nerd. and that’s just fine with me. i think nerds and dorks go well with one another, and as you all should know, i am a dork. i knew he wasn’t exactly joe cool going into it too, i was expecting the off-the-wall references to movies and bands i’d never heard of. i expected the ever present awkward factor that hovers over our heads whenever we’re together. i expected that his social tendencies would make me cringe every now and then. what i wasn’t expecting is how unbelievably sweet he is. i wasn’t expecting the constant text messages that spew forth encouragement and care. i wasn’t expecting to go on cute dates or anything of that matter. and i wasn’t expecting him to ask me if i wanted to be in a relationship on art hill. and i couldn’t have been more pleasantly surprised.

luckily, he happens to be good friends with corinne. he’s been giving her the play-by-play of how he’s feeling, and she then relays it to me. although i feel a little guilty about the fact that she’s betraying his confidence, i am much more grateful to have this inside knowledge. (plus, it makes me feel like i have the upper hand.)

so, i don’t know what exact category of the relationship scale we fall in, but we’re “exclusive”, whatever that means. i guess it’s between going out on casual dates and the god almighty facebook official. whatever it is, i’m content.

also, he has not tried to kiss me, which i find both interesting and puzzling.

in other news, i’m going to truman next year (hopefully)

overwhelmed

i got depressed tonight

but it wasn’t the normal kind. you know, where everything, everywhere suddenly turns black like someone just flipped a light switch somewhere and you feel like you’re drowning and you just can’t find that glimmer of hope you normally cling to. those are the tough ones to beat.

no, tonight’s was the complete opposite. i felt like the light at the end of the tunnel that i’m always so focused on exploded and illuminated everything around me for exactly what it was. and i saw all the beauty and all the faults and all the solutions to life’s problems that seem to plague every human being. these are the kind of attacks i get normally, the ones that come on at least once a month, while the all encompasing black outs are only rare occurances usually only popping up once or twice a year and lasting for days on end. the attack of tonight was brief and mild, and usually have no lasting effect whatsoever.

what upsets me about them is they overwhelm me to no end, because i can see everything with no filter or veil. it’s too much. i’m not a mature enough person, nor am i a big enough person to take it all in. it exceeds my comprehension. and then i feel isolated because no one else sees any of this like i do. the vast majority of the population is much too ignorant to even suppose something like this exists. it’s a vast subconscious that connects every living being with one another on the deepest of all levels.

i feel like i’m in a bubble, one that i’ve created myself. like a person who’s immune system is too weak to fight the viruses of day to day life. i made it so that i could protect myself from all that threatens me, but has now backfired and doesn’t allow me to connect to anything or anyone. and while all i want is to share a connection with a fellow person, i’m too terrified to let go of my weak protection for fear of those viruses sinking into my skin and destroying me.

you’ll have to excuse my lack of connection or rhythm throughout this entry, it’s late and my thoughts are rushing around my head at warp speed.

Mixed

i have a lot of conflicting emotions at the moment

first of all, i’m done with high school, forever. to finally be done with something i’ve struggled with for so long feels amazing! i never have to walk through those hallways and feel completely alone again, i never have to walk into a classroom and feel completely overwhelmed, i never will feel like everyone in that school is looking at me and judging me ever again. at the same time, it is bittersweet,  because almost everyone i care about will be leaving me while i stay here and try to adjust as well as i can to the change (for those of you who don’t know, i will be taking just a few core classes at meramac for a semester).

and there’s the other feeling; i’m anxious. every time i tell people that i’m sticking around for another semester i feel like they’re looking at me and judging me, thinking she just can’t get in anywhere, she doesn’t have what it takes to go to a good school, she’s a failure.and i’m trying really hard to ignore that feeling, but it’s still there.

lastly, i’m pissed. so as some of you know, i had a date to prom this year. i went to this event with colin, a guy i had a drunken hook-up with back at the very beginning of the year, a guy who likes me way more than i like him, a guy who seemed like a decent person. he’s been wanting to kiss me for a while. ever since he asked, we’ve been going on little mini-dates and every time we depart, i can sense that he wants to, but i kept turning it down afraid that that would make the relationship purely physical and revert to that hook-up situation. he’d been taking it well, and not being pushy about it. however, when we got to prom, he kept going for it, and after turning him down for an hour, i was afraid he’d lose interest, so i kissed him. from that point on, all he wanted to do was kiss. i would try to start a conversation and he would just make jokes, which could only carry it on for so long, and after it died out, he would revert to kissing me. once prom was over, it just got worse. we went back to ellie lane’s house, and once in the basement, i couldn’t get him off me. i would be talking to somebody and he would literally try to stick his hand down my pants or take my chin in his hand and turn my head towards him so he could kiss me, mid-sentence! i was super freaked out and annoyed, but he wouldn’t stop. later, after everyone had left or gone to bed, i tried to sleep on the couch, only to be woken up by him crawling on top of me and starting to make-out with me. i tried to ignore it and just sleep because i was exhausted, but then he started to mess with his pants, and e being half-asleep, didn’t realize what was going on. that was until he reached into his pocket and put his hands over my head and i heard a distinct rip. it was at this point i realized he had taken off his pants and was in the process of taking out a condom. i freaked out. i told him that i still felt drunk (which i had never been) and didn’t want to do anything i regret in the morning. he stopped and proceeded to kiss me more.

i don’t know whether his actions were motivated by alcohol (which he showed no signs of being drunk before this and had stopped drinking several hours ago) or if he honestly thought that we would have sex. either way, i’m still shaken by the whole experience and don’t know what to do. at the moment, i’m just ignoring him.

i hope all of you had a much better prom experience

Deteremined

I’m sick of being unhappy with my body image, so I’m going to be proactive about it.

What this entails:
Eating Healthier. No more fast food before or after work. Yes it’s easy, yes it’s cheap, and yes I’m exhausted after work and don’t want to have to go home and make something myself, but the fact is, it’s just not a good decision. I can have it twice a month, but no more than that. I also have to eat more fruits and veggies. I will probably have to buy them myself, but I have money, and this is a good thing to spend it on, instead of stupid things at the mall. I’ll also have to stop snacking on junk food throughout the day, I’ll try to write myself post-its or something to help remind myself.
Exercising! Ugh, I hate it, but I can do little things to build muscle and burn some fat. Like, for instance, tonight at work; I was sitting up at generator and bored out of my skull, so I started doing little things to get my blood flowing. I did leg lifts and sit-ups and such and I felt really good after I did them. Now all I have to do is motivate myself to do stuff like that by remembering how good I feel afterwards, and I should be fine. Higgy also said she’d walk with me, and having a buddy to do it with should be helpful in the motivation department.
Stick to My Plan. I’ve tried this in the past and it’s all fallen apart. So this time I’m going to do what it is I’m saying I will and not make any excuses. Also, I have to work on seeing myself for all the good things I’m doing, and not just all the times I mess up. I need to understand that I will have slip-ups and there will be set backs, but that’s just part of the journey. I need to up my self esteem as well.

So, I know this just seems like a whiny complaint that all teenage girls have about how “fat” they are and such, but the fact is I’m an 18 year old girl who is 5′7″ and weighs 170 Ilbs. It’s not healthy and it’s not making me happy, so I’m going to change it.

Another thing, I’m going to need is a little support from my friends, so if you guys see me scarfing down on something, just give me little nudge or something, it’ll help! I really do need you guys, so please grant me this one little request!

Much Improved

So, I’m feeling a lot better :]

The party last night was pretty lame, especially after I found out that that kid’s tattoo and story were fake, that was really dumb

I still can’t sleep through the night, but I’m seeing my psychiatrist tomorrow, so she should be able to help. I’m really banking on finding some good meds through this deal

Lucas had a break down today, it was really hard to watch. I just wanted to squeeze him and make it better. He’s just stressed, I think it’s pretty typical for high school freshmen to feel that way. He’s also upset because he feels like he has no friends. I told him I related and that it would get better. I gave him my word, so I hope it comes true

Bad Day

I’m in pretty bad shape, and I have no idea why.

It started Thursday, and I was just in a funk all day. I was uber grumpy and didn’t want to talk or interact with anyone. So I just crocheted in my parents bed all day and watched law and order. I figured it was just PMS (a little too much information, I know)

But then yesterday after work I had that desperate feeling of needing to do something, of having to be with people, and of course, no one was available, which seems to always be the case. So I got my mom to take me to Michaels to get more yarn for my blanket in progress, and we had a good time there. I mean, we laughed, we saw interesting books and cute projects, but as soon as I got home and was all alone again, there was that tug in my stomach to be with someone, but I ignored it becuase it was 11:00 at night and no one should be available at that time except for drug dealers and prostitutes, neither of which seemed like they would make for good company (at least not the kind I was looking for)

So I just settled myself down on the living room couch and watched crappy comedians and b-list stars act in cliche movies that you can only catch during an intense bout of insomnia on the triple digit channels that you don’t even know if you could find them again if you needed to. And this continued until I had finnished 20 more lines of my blanket and it was 4 in the morning and I made the fatal mistake of mistaking the giddy feeling of sleep deprivation for feeling okay. And so when I finally did pass out around 8 this morning, I was completely blindsided when I awoke and found everything was still caving in all around me and I had failed to keep up my defenses.

So now I’m basically sleepwalking around my house avoiding any other person, because if I just open my mouth to let out even a single syllable, I start crying uncontrollably.

Things were okay for so long. They weren’t good, but they weren’t this. I thought I was done feeling like crap, I thought I had outgrown, I thought I had overcome it.

I guess I was wrong

(I don’t want to end my post with such a lame cliche thing as that last line, so I will mention how I was let off of work a full hour and 45 minutes early!!! And if that isn’t enough to make you smile, then you have never endured the torture of having to waste away a perfectly good Friday night dragging a huge blue bag around a children’s museum checking all the bathrooms and having gross surprises in each one.)

drama

so my first official post will be a rant

i’m done with drama, it’s high school, it’s immature, and it’s annoying. all i want to do is go to one social gathering and not have to deal with a crying friend or an enraged acquaintance. i want to be able to meet new people and not have to worry if their presence will set off some new spark of insanity in the group, but it will never happen, at least not now. for now, i’m stuck having to half focus on the conversation at hand and half shift through old memories seeing if anything throws up a red flag with what we’re discussing. i love all my friends, with or without the baggage they bring, but this constant stress is ruining my already fragile nerves.

take tonight for instance, everything was going fine. i had settled myself down in lauren’s basement, expecting a dull, easy evening where i would meet no confrontations and avoid any awkward situations. neither of which happened. first, i was bitched out by a gay, black man because i refused to give him a cigarette. i’m sorry, but they’re mine and that gives me the right to refuse them to whoever i want. it’s not my fault that you smoked half my last pack and so now i’m a little apprehensive about shelling them out, especially since nearly all my sources of receiving them have run dry. it’s a stupid thing to yell at me about and it’s not worth my time.

then higgy had to bring her love life dilemmas into our perfectly calm night. she had to bring matt-y along, despite jim being there and despite our constant discouragement of any possible relationship being there. so of course, she kissed him right in the middle of the party, right in front of everyone. she kissed him knowing that jim had invested feelings in her and completely disregarded any hurt that may have come along with her actions. sure she was drunk, sure she’s confused about her feelings, but neither one of those gives her an excuse for hurting a perfectly nice guy. i know she likes matt-y, i know she likes jim, but it’s not fare to drag the two of them along while she dangles the other in front of the guys’ faces.

here’s how i see it: it’s fine to not be sure how you feel about people. it’s fine to go back and forth between two possibilities, that is, until you make a commitment. after that point, you have to go with it and not look back. it’s not fare to the other person, and (most importantly) it’s not fare to yourself. constantly going back and forth between two options is just a wimp move and shows no self-strength. in this particular situation, you have to look at your options and ask yourself, “which one is better for me? which one will make me happy?” once you’re able to answer that question, you’ve made your decision, and you have to stick with it. it’s only fare to all parties involved to hold the right one close and cut the wrong one loose. i know it’s hard, but it’ll make life easier for you, for them, and for me. most importantly, it will cut out the DRAMA!!!!!

this post is really late at night, and i’m writing it half-drunk, so i’m sure i’ll regret it/apologize in the morning, but i feel like what i wrote had to be said and you as my witness can quote me on that.